One day at a time. Just take it one day at a fucking time. When you’re feeling bad, just spit in depression’s face and fight through. There are plenty of reasons to live. Plenty of things to be sad about, but much  more to laugh about as well.

Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Like why are we here, where do we go, and how come it’s so hard?

Thanks, music, videos, and games. You’re my company in the safety of the little alcove of a bed I currently call home.

One day at a time.

There are going to be times when people or things will attempt, purposely or otherwise, to plant doubt in your heart. It’s hard to face that others don’t see eye to eye with you on something that you believe or wish for. I suppose that’s what aids in everyone being different. I’m just sad that I can’t call my parent’s house my home anymore. It’s not in a “I’m growing up and in love so being with David is being home” kind of way. It’s very different. This place has become a beacon for stress and depression.

Maybe I can find comfort here again, soon. It feels like my depression will never end. I know it will. It has to. Right?

I may never know all of the answers to the questions that weigh on my heart. I just know that I can’t imagine a life without David in it. I cannot imagine living my life or going into whatever afterlife (if there is one) without David being a part of it. It scares me, and makes me feel depressed. If this is the only life I get to have with David, why am I not with him? There are so many unanswered questions weighing me down.

I feel incredibly lonely. I don’t know what’s going on. My heart is very heavy and my conscience is picking at me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve prayed, but that is something I’m new to so I don’t know if it works for me. I’ve tried talking to friends and family about it. My heart hurts a lot. I feel like crying all the time. I think about my life. What am I doing with my life? Why am I so lonely? Why can’t I just smile and be happy because, although I have problems, troubles, and worries, I also have a wonderful fiance who is working hard, a good family who treats me well, good friends who I don’t get  to see very often, and a future.

I have a future, and it could be terrible or amazing. I just don’t know what to do. I’m scared and alone. At least I feel that way.

If this is just the process of growing up, I hate it. But I don’t think that is it.

We’re staying a day and night at the Carnegie. I’m so excited. So super duper excited. I wish I could focus on my research paper.

I wonder why it turns people on to watch others have sex. The people who watch porn do it because it gives them some form of excitement/entertainment. That’s what porn is made for. I know this, I’ve watched my fair share of it. But why does it excite people? Is it kind of like how a sad or inspiring movie or book moves a person? Or is that too emotional? Am I totally off on this? I just don’t know

When I was younger, I thought I was special. I also thought that I would become more special when I got older. That’s not how it is, though.

I know a lot more, and I eat a lot more, but I’m also a lot more pathetic.

Is that what it’s like to grow older?

I wish someone would tell me that I’m special. That I’m their special person; someone very special to them.